This double-edged sword

Hey all. No, I'm not dead. No, I'm not ignoring blogging. In fact, for about 2 weeks every time I get online and go to my dashboard to read up on all the blogs I follow, I stare at that little button that says "new post" and try and muster up the words to speak. The problem is it's been a rough couple of weeks. Let me explain why this is such an issue.

God has blessed me with a very passionate personality. I am passionate about a lot of things. I am passionate about my sports teams. I am passionate about my family. I am passionate about my ministry. And above all I am passionate about my God. It's part of what makes me able to do what I do. I'm all about vision and desire and purpose. I can't talk about things that I'm not passionate about. I am driven by that passion. The flip side is that I have issues with doing things I'm not passionate about. I am not passionate about my part time jobs. I understand that they are important, and I devote energy to them. But I'm not passionate about them. When visitors come to our town and it's my job to direct them to businesses to help drive up the economy I struggle. I struggle to help them spend money on things that are probably not needed (or could be found cheaper elsewhere) when there are so many people in our nation and around the world who have nothing. I struggle when I hear people talk about trying to find the right piece of furniture when all I can think is I wonder if they've found a relationship with the God of the universe, and that that's the only thing that matters anyway. I struggle because that issue is number one in my mind. All other issues aren't even in the top 100 comparatively. This thought consumes me. That is my passion driving me.

But here is where my passion gets me in trouble. When something is bothering me it also can consume me. When the thing that is bothering me involves ministry, it's near impossible to hide. Recently there have been some things said that have been quite hurtful and honestly misguided. I'm not angry at anyone, I am hurt by it, but I'm certainly not going to air such things in such a public forum, that's just not bright.

But that's why I've not been writing. When I sit still, when I lay down at night, when I'm driving, any time I have a moment to think, this recent issue is what consumes me. I'm constantly talking to God trying to work it out. (and before it sounds like it's a one way issue, I know I make mistakes and one of the things I'm trying to work through is the reaction my flesh wants to take... it's getting better by the grace of God.) So I say all that to say if I ever disappear for awhile and it's not due to a trip somewhere. It simply means an event has transpired and due to my passionate nature, it's consumed me. Be patient, I will always come back.

I pray you are all well and God bless.

- The impulsive passionate one

The Wednesday Watch

I know. I'm a day late. But Kaylee was sick yesterday and so I had her. Hence, I didn't really have time to sit and blog, so today it is. With no further ado, his past week's blessings:

- I was hit in the eye at Belegarth on Sunday. By all logic it should have either given me a black eye or torn my contact. Thankfully, neither happened. It was just one of those unlucky shots, but I'm grateful for no damage.

- I am still grateful for the chance to do radio commentary for some local basketball games. It is such fun and came out of nowhere.... plus the extra cash never hurts.

- Somehow last thursday night Kaylee ended up going to bed without a pull-up on under her jammies. Neither Jenn nor I caught it. When she woke up she was completely dry. If that isn't the Hand of God at work, I don't know what is.

- For Christmas, we were able to give my parents two tickets to see Celtic Women live in Chicago this past week. I know it wasn't much, but it's a blessing to be able to help both our parents whenever we can.

Ok, the kiddo is callin so that's all for this week. God bless.

The Wednesday Watch

This past Sunday I was reminded of how poorly I acknowledge the blessings and miracles in my life. So in order to try and do a better job of being aware of the Hand of God in my life I've decided to try and dedicate Wednesday's to do just that. (Plus it might help me blog a little more) Each week I will sit down and list a few of the things that have been a blessing to me. Some may be small, some large, but all will be evidence of God in my life.

- I am taking a trip to Guatemala in May to visit the Adopt-A-Child feeding centers there. Unfortunately Jennifer will not be able to go with me on this trip so it's just me. There is a group from Europe going, a couple other Americans, and some Canadians (I think). But I needed to find a flight that would land in Guatemala City and leave around the same time so as to make it as easy on the AAC staff in Guat. I worked on it awhile and then I got some information from the travel agent we use. Not only did she find me a flight for under $400 (all others were $700+) but I'm actually on the same plane as the European contingent going and coming from Guat. It was a HUGE blessing. Then to top it off, we had done 2 missions fundraisers recently and had raised enough money to pay for the ticket right away. I am still thrilled. :D

- On Sunday I got the opportunity to pray with a number of men in the church. It is always a huge blessing for me to be granted that privilege and I don't take it lightly. Not because I get to pray for them, but that I get to be blessed by the journey God it taking them on and be encouraged by it.

- Nick just moved to Kansas City and I'm excited for him. But I've been praying that he would meet people who would support him and give him a network of Christian friends. The weekend he was moving there I found out a good friend from college was moving to the same suburb from another state. So even if they do or don't become close friends, he has someone in the area who at least knows who he is. :D

- I've had a number of different conversations this week where I've been overwhelmed by the Spirit of God while talking. Not in some sort of "super-spiritual" sense, but just feeling His presence surrounding me, and the peace, comfort and wisdom it has given has been amazing.

- I got a call from a friend who was asking if it was ok to put a pastor in touch with us (jennifer and I). This pastor is wanting to get his church more involved in missions trips, and the friend thought we would be a resource. I don't know if anything will come of it, but it's been a HUGE encouragement to us. This is what we feel God is calling us to. Helping connect churches and believers with the world through short term missions trips. Some days it feels like we are never going to get to where we feel we should, and it seems like life just keeps getting in the way. But being reminded that God will orchestrate it in His time is never a bad thing. :D

Well, that's this week in a nutshell. Hope this was encouraging. God bless.

I just can't help it...

Today I seem to find myself quite tired from the activities of yesterday. Now being tired doesn't actually bother me... it's the side effects. Well, one in particular.

I've grown up with music constantly around me. For that reason I tend to notice music, any music, that is audible in my vicinity. And more often than not I know at least a few words to whatever song it is. The problem is that when I am tired I tend to sing/hum/whistle that song as it is playing and I don't even realize it. Then I can't get the song out no matter how I try. Sometimes all it takes is for me to THINK about a song and it gets stuck in my head.

Today it ranged from showtunes to 80's songs to kids songs... the worst one? Well, actually it's a tie so it's the worst two. The "Everyone potties" song from Kaylee's Elmo dvd and "we got the beat" by The Go-Go's. Needless to say, it was a LOOOOOOOOONG day. :D

Until we meet again...

Well, I just got done helping my youngest brother, Nick, pack up the u-haul and prep to move to Kansas City. It is a bitter sweet moment. I cannot express how proud I am to be his brother. Nick is a solid young man, well-mannered and compassionate, intelligent, good looking and humble. He is also one of the funniest guys I know (both intentionally and unintentionally) and simply hilarious to be around. I've been spoiled the last few weeks having him live with Mom and Dad next door. Whether we are watching a movie, playing a game or going somewhere it's ALWAYS more interesting with Nick around. And now he's moving 6 hours away. I'm sad. But I also know this is just a taste of what's to come. At some point he is going to move to another country (more than likely Africa) and it's gonna be a bit trickier to visit. I will visit, but certainly not as much as I'd like. However, I'm really ok with that for a very specific reason. Which brings me to my thought for the day.

One of the things I love about my walk with Jesus is knowing that anyone who has a relationship with Him will one day be in Heaven. And while there are a HUGE number of people I love here on earth but I don't get to see much if ever, I will meet them one day in Heaven and there will be no more separation. That is such an indescribable blessing. I have friends on both coasts, different continents and every place in-between, and if I never got to see them again it would break my heart, and I'm so grateful that is not the case. So if you are reading this and I haven't seen you face to face for awhile, know this... I can't wait to see you face to face in heaven. It's gonna be a blast. :D

Well, ok...

As promised here is another post... however, it's gonna need to be quick. Due to all the snow, Jennifer didn't go to work and hence Kaylee is at home too. So I don't have time to wax on all philosophical like. I will say this for the snow. Is there anything quite as demoralizing as finally admitting you need to get off your butt to shovel the driveway and sidewalk just to look outside an hour later and you can't even tell where the sidewalk is because it's snowed enough to fill in that part and level it off with the rest of the yard. Grr. Praise God for my dad and his snowblower this morning. Til next time... God bless.

The first step is always the hardest...

It's been forever since I've done this, and every day I'm aware of it more than the day before. So why haven't I written? Well, it's complicated.............................

I live with low-grade Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.). What does that mean? Well basically if I don't get a lot of sunlight I tend to get grouchy and lethargic. In higher grade cases it can easily lead to severe depression and even suicide. For me it means I just am unmotivated, easily annoyed, and basically slightly depressed. And living in central Illinois in January and February means it's a good bet there could be a lack of sunshine. Add to the mix my issues with low self-esteem and yup... a great recipe for home baked depression.

This directly relates to my blogging in that I like to blog about what I'm thinking/dealing with. But lately all I've been dealing with is trying to stand against that constant creep of depression. The other issue is I struggle to reconcile the fact that I'm a Believer who really does love God and truly has a great life because of Him and really have no reason to even begin to be depressed... but yet there it is pressing in nonetheless.

So what have I decided to do? I'm putting it out there for anyone to read. Talk about nerve racking, lol. But I am determined to stand on the truth of my Father and Lover. For depression is simply part of the darkness and darkness can't stay when the Light is there. I've also restarted using very specific checklists for my day in order to keep taking those steps forward. And one of those steps is to blog more, no matter what the situation is. I don't know if that's good news for you all or not, but there it is. God bless. :D